An update for you....

haha, not that anyone really reads this blog. :) But now that I am a gmail-er, I figure I should update my blog. I love gmail. haha

In a few hours I leave for a week-long mission trip to Belize.
I graduated from Faulkner University on May 5 with a Bachelor of Arts in English with a second major in Vocational Christian Ministry, Summa Cum Laude.... pretty exciting stuff.
I am currently not employed, but looking for a job.
Laurel and I have an apartment together. That's fun.
Let's see... what else...
I may be interning at Shakespeare Festival in the marketing department...
hmm....
I can't really think of anything else to add right now..

All I know is that I don't know what is next. :)
Like the Taylor Swift song says,
"I don't know what I want. So don't ask me. Cause I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road, but I'm walking..."

All I know is that I trust God and I know He has it under control. And I mean it. I am actually NOT worried. haha. Who would have thought that God really does follow through with that "peace that passes all understanding" thing?!?! :)

Well, I am off to bed. I have to get up in just 2 1/2 hours!

a very merry christmas indeed...

Have you ever been sitting somewhere, and in your mind, all of a sudden, you find that everything is moving in slow motion. You notice everything...even tiny details of a person's facial expression. You see everything through different eyes; it is like you are trying to imprint a permanent picture of the scenerio into your memory. You fully recognize and appreciate the moment in which you find yourself....

That has happened to me several times this Christmas. I must say, this could be one of my favorite Christmases ever. What has made it so great? It wasn't the presents, and it wasn't the food. It wasn't that I had an abundance of activities to engage in... I really haven't done much with anyone other than my family. (I did go to a nice little get-together with the college kids from Central for a couple hours one evening, and I visited Huntsville for a couple of days.) Yeah, at a glance, especially compared with past years, this Christmas break could appear to be somewhat lacking... and that is what I kinda expected of it.

Then what was so great? Let me list some of the moments that stand out in my mind.

Saturday we had our big family Christmas party at Mamaw's house in Englewood. Every year we all get together, and every year the party is pretty much the same. One can always count on the sausage pinwheels and chocolate oatmeal cookies. There is always the revealing of the Secret Santas, and there are gift games. The kids exchange their gifts and play the famous gift games, and then the adults will exchange their gifts and play their games. For the past couple years I, along with the other cousins my age, have been included in the adult game. This year I noticed that there are almost as many of the "kids" participating as an adult as there are "parents." We are all growing up. This fact brings many new faces to the family as well... there are the new members that started off coming as boyfriends and are now husbands, and there are also, of course, the new little kids we've got running around. It's always crazy to see how much those little ones have grown.

Here's a breakdown of who all we've got at this festive occasion:

Mamaw. She has 5 children (my mom being one of them). All 5 are married with children. There are 12 grandchildren total. 5 of the grandchildren are now married. There are now 5 great-grandchildren and 1 on the way. That is 33 people crammed into Mamaw's house.

Usually everyone divides up. Women around the kitchen table and others on the couch, some of the men watching football, others on the porch, others mingling. Little kids running around outside and in the back bedroom, and older kids mingling with the adults and in the front bedroom. It is always fun, but you never really feel like you spend quality time with everyone. This year was different. By the end of the night everyone was piled in the living room...and I mean piled in. Crammed into doorways, sitting on each other in the floor... We were watching ourselves 15 years ago. Aunt Cheryl had made Mamaw a DVD of home videos from Christmas 1991, 1992, 1993, and 1994. I can't describe how that felt. To see myself at age 6, and then turn and see my cousin's little girl who is now 6. To watch my aunt's eyes well up with tears as we watched Papaw open presents with us little grandkids helping him. Having to wipe away my own tears as I looked around the room... having to wipe them away even now... Wanting to take in everyone's reactions... wanting to take in the smiles, the tears, the laughter, the jokes... Knowing that a video or a photograph could never capture all that I would want it to... It was........ yeah....

Sunday was a special day too. Christmas Eve. Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Paula came over around 5 and we had some fingerfoods and desserts. It was a nice visit, but it was not nearly as special as what happened after that.
Grandma and Aunt Paula are members of the Luthern church, so every year they have a special Christmas Eve candlelight service. This year, we decided to go with Grandma to the candlelight service. She was so so so excited. It absolutely made her Christmas to have her family join her. And that was special. To top it all off, Grandpa decided that he would come with us all as well. If you only understood how beautiful it was too have us all sitting together. Grandma's face beaming as she introduced her family to everyone.... And being there with Grandpa.... a very big thing. Such a good Christmas present!

Today: Christmas Day we woke up and had a good time exchanging gifts and being the silly Lupos we are. After a relaxing morning, we headed over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for our Christmas there. (It is just a street over, not a far drive at all.) We ate, and exchanged gifts, and yes, played gift games. It was a very nice afternoon. However, my favorite part of the day came after all of that.

I love my grandpa. He is a quiet man. Simple. He always wears his kaiki pants with his dress shoes, dress socks, and his brown colored, plaid, button-up shirts. He watches and plays golf. He has trouble hearing and he doesn't enjoy loud noises. His catch phrase of my life is "quiet: the baby's sleeping." I am fascinated by my Grandpa. I find myself just watching him, trying to figure out what he is thinking...trying to imagine what he was like 54 years ago when he met my Grandma in a classy dance club in New York. Yeah, my Grandpa's a Yankee. He doesn't usually say much, but tonight was one of those special nights where we got to learn more about Grandpa.

You see, Grandpa is an artist. For my 16th birthday, I asked him for a painting made special for me. As the oldest grandchild, I started a tradition. :) For as long as I can remember, I have been in awe of Grandpa's art studio. It is the special room in their house where he enjoys his solitude and his art. One day I will have a room like that. Tonight Dad, the sisters, and I ended up in the art studio with Grandpa. He told us all kinds of stories about his life and growing as an artist... how it started when he was in the 6th grade... about the famous artist that gave him lessons for 3 years... He even showed us his work from those lessons. It was an amazing evening...

So those are three things that made this Christmas the best ever. And the break is far from over... Wednesday I get my wisdom teeth out, Friday my dad turns 50, January 3rd the sisters and I are going line dancing with Grandma and Aunt Paula..haha... I guess we shall see what other surprises this Christmas break has for me.

I hope you all have had a wonderful, blessed Christmas!(And I am thinking I need some plans for New Years if anyone has any ideas.)

One down...one to go...

One down, one to go...

Today: I took my Biblical Interpretation final and then finished/turned in my Vocational Christian Ministry final.

Tomorrow: I have a Great Books V paper due-- Wait... I was responsible and turned it in a WEEK in advance. Yes, I am excited about this major step towards overcoming the snares of procrastination.

Currently: I am trying to complete my research proposal. It is due Wednesday. Yes, we've been working on this since mid-terms. Yes, I slacked off in this area, so it is my fault this is last minute... I can't overcome procrastination all the time.. baby steps. :)

Thursday: My last final final. It isn't going to be too big of a deal.. Studies in the English Language.

Well, this week completes the first semester of my last year... one down, one to go.... Craziness. Well, I am going to get back to my research proposal. I know this blog isn't very interesting, but it had been a few months, so I decided to write something. :)

the view from my window...

I noticed recently that I only blog when I am in a bummy mood. And that's no good. That makes me look like I am always sad, and that is just not the case...

Right now I am sitting at my desk, the iron and wine song on my profile is playing, my window is open just enough to feel a little breeze. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. The color of the brick of the apartment I see in the corner of my window contrasts perfectly with the bright green trees that are highlighted with a golden hue just at the top...it's that time of year... and that is just refreshing to me. The autumn air is crisp. I'm excited about going home in a couple of weeks. By then my East Tennessee mountains will be bursting with color. I always get chills as I go over the mountain just outside of Chattanooga. Going home in autumn is my favorite. Could I possibly reiterate the fact that I absolutely love autumn?!

I don't have too much more on my mind... casual thoughts of midterms and papers drift into thought, as well as plans for the summer and the upcoming year...but I'm not too worried. I'm feeling pretty relaxed. I will get my work finished as I sit in front of my window....and as for everything else... I am confident things will fall into place...

I want to paint... When midterms are over, I am going to go to ACMoore, buy some canvases, sit on my porch and paint... that sounds nice...

There. I leave you with some peaceful thoughts... I am experiencing some relaxing contentment... I encourage you all to go outside and breathe in some autumn air...

This is me feeling a bit negative...

So I sat down here at my computer, and I started typing this blog. And I was just going at it... being completely cynical and blunt, and I was ready to just rant about all the frustrations and questions and uncertainties, and insecurties, and fears, and...... then I stopped. And I am listening to this song on repeat... and it basically expresses my thoughts.

And I like these words better. Because they say what I feel, but honestly, they don't reveal too much. You see, I am a pretty easy to read individual. I am told this quite often. I get it now, so I am easy to read. However, I don't always want to be read. Sometimes I'd rather people not know (or not think they know) what I am thinking or feeling or meaning. Assumptions suck. You know why. Because it is in assumptions that communication is lost, and when communication is lost, connections are broken, and when there is not connection, things get fuzzy, and the message is no longer clear, and then the original thought or intention gets lost in the translation....

I could ramble on some more, but what's the point. Here are the song lyrics; this is how I feel. And I am listening to this Switchfoot song for the 9th time right now...

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Tag, I'm it.

Well, it has happened. I have been tagged. Here you go Sunny! This is for you! :)

1. One book that changed your life:
flashBANG by Mark Steele. I read this book over Christmas, and I have made reference to its content on many occasions. It helped me see the difference between making an actual impact and just being a lot of noise and lights... a flashbang if you will. I am aware of "the show" of things, and I am better equipped to actually be an influence. I'd say that's life changing.


2. One book that you've read more than once:
The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. I attempted to read it my freshman year at Faulkner, but for some reason I couldn't really get into it. That summer I buckled down and read it. I loved it. Underlines everywhere... It was incredibly eye opening. I better understood ways that Satan was attacking me, thus making me aware of some specific sins. Since then I have been able to work (not perfected) on those things... pride for example. I read it again last year and wrote a paper on it, and it is on the required reading list for one of my classes this semester. Good book.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island:
I am with Sunny on this one... The Bible. Maybe I need to be deserted on a desert island with it for a while. That is one of my goals for this semester. I have got to get The Word in me... probably the biggest thing missing in my spiritual life. (Hold me accountable)

4. One book that made you laugh:
The Word on the Street by Rob Lacey. This is an interesting paraphrase of the Bible. Why is it funny? It is pretty much the ...hmm... ghetto paraphrase. Maybe it is wrong of me to laugh... nah, this is just the paraphrase of the Bible. I just keep thinking about the time Laurel got her copy in the mail last year... I remember some random people.. standing in the parking lot.. laughing hysterically. What were we reading? Here's how Rob Lacey introduces it:
"Back when he was a young romantic, Solomon writes love letters to his lady and she writes back. Some people read it from a different angle- that they're love letters between the Liberator and his people...whichever, it's hot stuff... -Rob"

5. One book that made you cry:
There have been many books that have made me cry over the years. Let's just face it, I am a crier. I cry in movies, TV shows... I guess I am sensitive to people or something. I cried in A Walk to Remember (both the movie and the book) and The Notebook, but that was nothing compared to The Last Battle by C. S. Lewis. This is the final book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. In case you haven't read this book, I won't tell you why I cried.... but man did I weep. Beautiful story. Incredible allegory... amazing. Thinking about it made me want to read it all over again... I think I will.

6. One book you wish had been written:
A book outlining my life. Step by step guide to where I've been and where I'm going. No one would really need it but me. It could be called, Jenna's Life for the Dummy Herself, or something like that.

7. One book you wish had never been written:
When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I don't actually wish it had never been written... that is a little harsh. I do wish that it was not a part of my personal library. I've never even read it actually. I mean... the book is basically a play by play of their wonderful, perfect, God-directed relationship. How depressing. I was told that I should read When God Writes Your Love Story my senior year in high school. Good book, I liked it. I've found that the most useful chapter for me is Chapter 10: "Can the Sweeter Song Be a Solo?"
(Note: I really don't hate this book or these people. I'm sure they are great. This was written with slight sarcasm, mostly because I couldn't think of a better answer. But I'm still not going to read When Dreams Come True.)

8. One book you're currently reading:
On the Incarnation by St. Athanasius. It is the first book we are reading in this Honors class I am taking this semester. Should be good. I am very interested in the books we will be reading. Dr. Young said that this is the "most pointedly Christian formation course" of the 5 Great Books classes. I've only read the first few pages at this point, but ask me later and I'll let you know what I think.

9. One book you've been meaning to read:
Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. I loved Blue Like Jazz, and the title itself proves that I would connect with the book... I just haven't gotten around to it. I need to just knock it out one day.

10. Tag five others:
Alexis, Carie, Shannon O'Keefe Smith, Rachel, and Jennifer Ford. I'd like to hear what you all would have to say.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road...

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life....

...Here I am. I find myself at another turning point. Today is the day that begins a new year...a first year... a last year.... And as I am waking up to this new morning, I feel somewhat unprepared to make the turn. It's not that I don't want some of the changes to come. I am so excited about this being my little sister's first year in college! The family is on their way as I type. In about two hours I will be moving in her stuff, helping her organize her closet, and running around like a spastic mother making sure she has everything she needs. As excited as I am, I am also feeling a bit anxious. I feel a little extra pressure on me... I want to be the best big sister ever. I want to help her have an amazing freshman year, especially because she had such a wonderful senior year... I don't want her to have regrets about leaving home. But I have to remember I am not God. I cannot be in control here. I cannot make sure everything goes perfectly, I cannot be the one always fixing things, and telling her what steps to take.... (I am so scared of being a mom one day) because I know I have a tendency to want to guide her through my experience, and her experience is going to be different. So here I am, completely excited, but so nervous I am going to stress myself out and ruin her life (slight exaggeration).

This is my last year of undergrad work... I graduate from Faulkner in May... 4 years here.... I remember when I was moving in that first day.. crazy. A little anxious about this graduating thing. People keep asking me all these annoying questions like, "what do you want to do with your life?" and "oh, maybe grad school? what do you want to study?" and "don't you think you should start figuring it all out??? you are done in May.." (naw, duh) Stop asking me questions PLEASE!! I ask myself 7500 times a day! When I know for sure, believe me, you will find out. And while I am on this subject of questions, there are many unanswered questions in my life--- here's how you can help--STOP ASKING ME ABOUT THEM!! If I need advice, I will ask. I am not afraid of asking and I talk too much anyways. (Can you sense the frustration?)

This year brings new classes, new friends, old friends, new adventures, new drama (I hate drama), old drama (I really hate the drama that is getting old here at the ole F(C)U... new opportunities, new disappointments, new successes, decisions, fun, stress.... and at the end of this year another turning point...

So basically this is me saying that life is moving and I am just wanting to put it on pause for just a little while. I'm sure most of you can relate to that feeling.

Well, I'm going to go make this a good day. :) adios

I'm satisfied..

For any of you that might have been checking my blog every week in anticipation of some sort of report on my Malawi trip, I apologize. You aren't getting on one here... There is just too much to say! (And if you have seen the magnitude of pictures, you know this too be true!)

Let me start off with some key things about Africa so you can feel somewhat informed.

1) I absolutely loved it.
2) I learned so much about God's faithfulness. He is faithful, even when I lose faith...
3) I felt at home. In Africa. It was hard to fathom that I was, actually, half a world away from where I live. I guess the song is true.. "anywhere is home, if Christ my Lord is there.."
4) I love Malawian children.. from the little ones I helped babysit during the women's morning devo, to the school-aged children I would sing and dance with before lunch, to the kids at the hospitals we cleaned, to the older children of the village we had devotionals with at night... I love them all. And I really miss them.
5) American Christianity is not the only one that has issues to deal with. We (the human race) really are a broken people.. the only thing that makes us (Christians) different is that we recognize who loves us in and save us from our brokenness.
6) God answers prayers. I watched Him answer MANY while I was there.
7) Tuna fish can be a luxury meal in another country.. and pizza... I have never been so excited in my life about pizza...
8) God is active. All over the world. In so many people. I am just a small part of a bigger effort... man, God is good.

There are just a few thoughts for now. If you want to see pictures, I am certainly more than willing to share them!
Now for the 2nd part of the blog... the part that goes along with the title.. I was not really excited about this summer. I had no idea what to expect. I hoped for some good things, but didn't really expect them. Well, this summer exceeded my expectations. And now that summer is drawing near to an end, I am sad to see it all close... but at the same time, I am satisfied.

Many adventures, many new friends.. basically, this has been a really good summer. And it is my last summer in "college-kid world." And I am satisfied. I have been able to do a lot of things... go to Massachusetts, the coast, London, South Africa (well, the airport), Malawi, another country beside Malawi that I can say but not spell (well, we stopped and used the restroom there)...

Pizza and subs, antique bookstores, crazy Boston traffic, fun with the Paces, crawfish on the pier, crazy video's with Laurel's youth group and an armless man harassing us, work in admissions, lunch bunch at Cornerstone cafe, car wash, a couple of days at the lake, suntans, sunburns, smoothies, hippos, spagetti that won't boil, best friends, airports, not showering, clothing sorting in warehouse, cooking chickens.. whole, card games and tennis, television and movies, clowns and birthdays, laundry and text messaging, late nights with Nikki..... I could go on with the random words that will only mean anything to me and the people that happen to connect with those random words..

So here is life's update: I am satisfied. :)

It's overwhelming...

"I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lean back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming."

Yeah. It's overwhelming. Unfortunately this overwhelming feeling that I get is not usually one that gives me so much peace I just melt. I'm not leaning back against anything with the time to breathe. I've felt this peace. I've been overwhelmed in this beautiful way, but not really right now.

It's been a crazy week. I have been sent on errands for the Admissions office to Atlanta and Birmingham... yeah, not quite across town. Instead of my usual 12 hour week, I've spent over 24 hours doing stuff for them. This is just a crazy week in that office. That is the load I had to bear.

My computer is in coma. Wednesday she decided she wanted to give up the ghost. I'm still fighting for her. The harddrive might have failed, but I am sending her to a place where she will recieve the best treatments. There might be some memory loss; I'm just glad she's still under warrenty. ;) This interesting dilemma consumed much time and energy. I still have to box up and mail out that tower. Blasted computer.

My sister left for Nicaragua this morning. I didn't get to talk to her before she left. I was so distracted by the crazy College Bound demands, that I neglected to call her. I am a horrible sister.

I leave for Africa in a week. One week. Exactly. One week from this very moment I will be on an airplane. I haven't packed. I haven't been to WalMart. I got my last shot today, and I got blood drawn so I can know my blood type. I figure that's kinda important. I may need to know that. Yeah, I know I'm an idiot for not knowing my blood type.

I really wanted to go home for Father's Day. But I can't. I am really homesick. And I'm not just talking home--Cleveland, TN-- homesick. I'm talking indescribable no where feels like home, where am I going and who am I and what should I be doing and when will this wandering homesick feeling be gone... that kinda homesick. I guess you can't understand that one unless you've felt that way before. Surely I'm not alone on this one.

When will the curve balls end? When will all that's gone wrong in the world be made right? When will life be normal? When will everything be happy? When will some of the pain around me heal? When will I be able to help? When will I have a clue what I am even here for. When will things calm down? When....

Today I spent about an hour and a half leaned up against a wall in a room. I journaled my prayer, and I didn't make the handwriting pretty. Life is not perfectly formed rounded cursive letters right now. It's doesn't fit in the college ruled lines. It is rough and jagged and illegible and it takes up 2-4 lines.

Funny how much better you feel when you actually stop and take time to sit as His feet, drink from the cup in His hand, lean back against Him and breathe, feel His heart beat. That love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melted in His peace, and it was overwhelming.

I don't have to have answers. And I don't have to feel all together. I am broken. But I know who is holding the pieces. Cheesy.. I know.. but there you have it.

Back in town

This past week was wonderful. Sure it was rainy. Sure we got lost a lot. But you know what, we had SO MUCH FUN!

Where was I and who is we? I was in Concord, MA with a small group from Faulkner's English department: Mr. & Mrs. Pace, Amelia Cortlez, Robin Johnson, and Heather Waller. Boy, did we have a blast!

We did so much, and even though I am bored and should be writing about it all right now, I am not going to because I have some extreme packing to do. I have to be out of this apartment by early Monday morning (therefore Sunday night) and into the other one. This is going to prove to be difficult seeing as there is a lot to move, and I am just one girl.

If there is anyone in Montgomery who would be willing to help me out after church/lunchtime tomorrow, that would be amazing! Please let me know if you can.

If I can get moved in time, I will try to write details about the trip tomorrow night. I might even learn how to post pictures! We'll see. But I have to have help first.... :) Thanks!

The day has come...

Well. Here I am. In my apartment. Sitting at my computer. Alone. Laurel, Carie, and Kyle have all packed up and are gone. I must admitt, I shed a few tears. Man, if you are reading this opening paragraph in the tone that I am writing it in, than it must be a pretty depressing read.

Time to shift the tone. This summer is not going to be bad. It has potential to be good. I have big plans to stay involved with the LCM, and it looks like we are going to combine on Wednesday nights with the youth group, and that is going to be cool! It will be neat to get to know the teens.. maybe I can get more involved there. I will probably get to hang out with a wide variety of people on campus, and it's always fun to randomly hang out with people! Maybe I will find someone to play tennis with! (NOTE: If you play tennis-- I want to play with you! I need exercise! Plus it's just fun! :)

I am going to Malawi for two weeks and that is going to be great, I am going on this trip to New England this upcoming week. I am going to visit my friends on the Coast. And I am going to visit my fam. I still need a job, but that will come (NOTE: If you know of someone who is looking for an all-around great girl to work for them, let me know! ;)

The other day, Laurel and Carie read me a definition. They told me that immediately upon reading the defintion of this work they thought of me. What is the word I am refering to?

OVERACHIEVEMENT: a condition in which perfectionism, fear of failure, compulsive behavior, and anxiety drive a student to exhaustion and eventual inefficiency

Yay for me. I am killing myself and growing only towards inefficiency. That is not good. So I made a decision...I am going to work on that. I will be an achiever, not an OVERachiever! :) That means I can't do everthing, but what I decide to do, I will achieve. Without unneccessary pressure, without it having to be perfect to every detail... So there you go. You all heard it from me.(hold me to it!)

Yeah... so I got tagged...

25 Things I Love

1. Music. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." -Victor Hugo
2. Good conversation.
3. Depth-- not neccessarily intellectual depth, but personal depth. People that are willing to let you see past the surface... people that will see past the surface of me.
4. Smoothies
5. Summer 2005 w/ the Mayfair Youth Ministry
6. Pictures- photo albums, picture frames, scrapbooks, slideshows...
7. Getting my back scratched
8. Tennis-- on the rare occasion I have someone to play with
9. The Chronicles of Narnia
10. Best friends
11. My amazing down feather comforter
12. Window seats
13. My family-- I miss them today.
14. Pretty stationary and Pilot G2 ink pens
15. Painting in the living room with the windows open on a rainy, spring day.
16. Growing
17. The movie- Pride and Prejudice
18. Making a difference
19. Analogies
20. When my apartment is nice and neat.
21. Having time to relax and enjoy what I have been blessed with.
22.Camp... the park... playgrounds.... basically the outdoors
23.When the people I care most about understand how much I love them
24.Playing with babies
25. When I am able to clearly express my thoughts


25 Things I Hate

1. When I can't transfer my thoughts from my brain to my mouth efficently.
2. When I feel like the people I love most don't understand the extent of that love.
3. Being an overachiever
4. My tendency to overcommit myself
5. When people think I am not sincere
6. When I catch myself not being sincere.
7. When I can't help someone that is hurting.
8. Clutter
9. Regular coffee
10. The fact that, no matter how long I work at it, I just can't seem to get this patience thing down
11. When I get jealous
12. When I don't do my best (Like that paper... the worst grade I have ever made on a paper..... sigh.....)
13. A lot of things about this past semester
14. Being misunderstood
15. Sweet tea-- sorry, I just don't really like tea
16. Not interning this summer
17. Wasting time filling out this blog thingy when I could be sleeping
18. That I never finished learning the guitar
19. Faulkner University's pledge week
20. Ping pong (the analogy... I love the real game... I hate the analogy game.. I guess only those that know the analogy will understand this one)
21. Being put in a box-- I don't like to feel limited or underestimated
22. How we put God in a box.... and we do it so often
23. Overwhelming "To Do" Lists
24. Being in a bad mood
25. Getting knots in my shoulders... like the past couple days...

If you read this blog you are tagged-- I think there are only two people that actually read this blog on occasion....

Blog vs. 20 page paper

It is 8:20. I have been sitting in the newly-made-to-be-extra cubicle in the admissions office all day. From 11:00-1:15, lunch break, 2:00-3:00, class break, 3:45-now.... yeah.. all day.

I am no where near finished, but I have made so much progress compared to where I was this time last night. And as I write this I think-- you still don't have a paper written-- you still have way too much work to do. That mindset doesn't help anything. I have accomplished much, and with that confident attitude of productivity I will continue until security comes in this office to kick me out. I am just that dedicated. I am forcing myself to be motivated. (I mean, the book I am researching has been pretty convicting.) I am going to do this. I will survive this week. I am making it through today. I am on my 4th diet coke. (This can't be healthy.)

And as I sit here talking about my productivity, I am wasting my time writing this stupid blog. Rambling like an idiot. Oh, but it is so much more enjoyable than actually doing the work-- talking about doing the work (again, a concept Screwtape would be encouraging).

I am going to end this nonsense right now.

(Let's see if this works.)

I am motivated.
I am writing an incredible 20 page paper.
I am not distracted.
I am completely focused.
God is happy when I write my paper.
So is Dr. Walker.
I want to please both.
I am learning a lot about vice and virtue as I write this paper.

Is procrastination a vice?

I should get off this blasted website right this minute.

(Have I been driven to an extreme level of complete insanity?!?! And this is only Monday.... oh brother....)

It is now 8:32. I had better get back to work. Pray for me! (And everyone else that I know because apparently Faulkner University has it out for its students-- it's like they want us to learn or something.. What's the deal with that??!?! 8:33... bye

Words from C. S. Lewis

"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence."

Letters of C. S. Lewis- 20th January 1942


"You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption 'My time is my own.' Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours."

Written to Wormwood from Screwtape- The Screwtape Letters- Number 21


"Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters."

Spoken to Jill by Aslan- The Silver Chair- Chapter 2


Just some interesting things I ran across in my research. Maybe these three quotes will grap you in some of the same ways they have me. I won't say anything else; I'll just leave it up to your own mind to extract something from it.

Where is the sun?

Mood I am in: aggrevated, tired, frustrated, angry, and a number of other adjectives that I really shouldn't dwell on...

Mood I want to be in: awake, thoughtful, determined, calm, peaceful, optimistic, intelligent, happy, thankful, awake, modivated... oh... this list could go on and on.

Why am I writing this at 3:45 in the morning? I'm not sure that you really want to know. First of all, when you read this you are going to think, "Jenna, why the heck are you on myspace?" Then you might think, "I'm glad I'm not you!" Now you are thinking, "This outta be interesting!"

Well, here's the deal.

Tomorrow morning, at the bright and shining hour of 8:30, I have a class that I must attend. And in this class I am to turn in a 6-8 page term paper. MLA format, 12pt font, Times New Romans, minimum 3 sources... the whole shebang (althought it is nothing compared to the 20 page paper due next week!!!). As of right now... I am barely on page 3. Let me remind you of the time. 3:45. I have been attempting to write this thing since 8:30 PM!

(sigh)

That is why I just took a break. I showered and got ready for school (I am going to wear my pajamas to class, watch me!) and now I am trying to convience myself that that 20 minute power nap was a good night's sleep and it is a decent hour of the morning and my brain is a paper-writing-machine! (I hope this works!!)

When you see me, give me a hug. I might need one! And a nap. And ice cream and a diet coke. Because all of those things make me happy. And then tell me that Jesus is going to come this weekend and I don't have to do anymore homework. (okay, that is a little---all right---a lot selfish of me)

Well, back to my critique of "This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison."

Good morning! : D

Ukupita kuti? ("Where are you going?" in Chichewa)

It is interesting how, with God, everything is connected.

Over the past year and a half, many of my goals have involved a desire to remove clutter from my life. There was a point last spring when I realized that a decluttering movement was neccessary. There came a point this summer (actually it hit me over and over again) that I decided I was really going to do it. Declutter. Eliminate excess. I put it into practice, and it was not always easy. I stepped away from some things (good, fun things) that were just taking up space. I wasn't just trying to declutter my schedule but also my heart, my mind, and my spirit. I decided to allow myself to be refined by the Lord, so he put me in the fire and burnt away the chaff. That hurts.

One day I thought to myself, it has finally happened...my goal accomplished...I have eliminated the clutter. I was wrong. When you stop the cleaning process, things naturally get dirty again. So here I am, ready to do some more spring cleaning.

I've been thinking a lot about where I am headed. What does my future hold? Where will it be found? Where am I going? Of course I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know some of the steps I will be taking in the near future.

For one, I am headed to Malawi, Africa this summer. I am going where "hurry up" is not heard too often, and "busy" does not describe the people's lives. Clutter is not a luxury they can afford, and personally, I think they are richer for it. A selfish prayer of mine is that this trip, these 2 weeks, will make a permanent impression on my heart; I want to absorb as much of attitude as I can. Because I don't know where I am going, but I do know what I want to be of most importance in my life, and I promise you it is not how many things I can cram onto my resume. It is not my level of productivity or progress, and it is not a job title. It may be my nature to be driven towards all of these things, but I no longer live for my nature. I said I was going to give that up years ago.

Colossians 2:20-22 says, "If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations...according to human precepts and teachings?" Our culture pushes for productivity; it drives us toward success here on earth. Well, I have died to that. I have been released from its chains of bondage. It is about time I live like I am free from those chains. I do not want to be restricted by my culture any longer.

So here we go again-- how in the world am going to do this? I suppose it won't be me doing it, as usual.

Vulnerable Honesty

Sometimes I feel like a bundle of conflicts. What do I push myself toward? What direction am I moving in now? Why does that seem to oppose everything I want for my life later?

I am driven to succeed. I want to make the best grades possible. I want to accomplish a lot. I like to move forward; I enjoy reaching new places. Not because it places me above others. That is not it at all. Because it means I have stretched further, I have reached higher, I have aimed for my best and found it. I want to fulfill my nature. I want to live up to my potential. I have specific gifts. I want to use them. I want to be a positive influence on the world around me. As cheesy as it sounds, I sincerely want to make a difference.

Do I find that in my grades? Do I find that in various honors? Will I one day find it in a job? Do I find it in leadership roles? I don't think these things in themselves matter that much. Grades are worth nothing if I don't use the knowledge that I gained by pushing myself. Honors will not follow me into eternity. Those things in themselves will end; they are temporal.

My job can be a place where I make a difference, but I don't want a big, powerful job. If I start to try to move up some sort of ladder, pull me down. I don't want that. I live a busy life. I enjoy being a part of all the things I do at school, and that takes time. However, when I have a family of my own someday, (and I want that so badly) I DO NOT want to be that busy. I do not want to be a successful buisnesswoman who is so wrapped up in her job that she doesn't even have time to cook her family supper or go to her kids T-ball practices. I don't need riches; I really don't want them. I don't need glory; any glory I could find here can't compare with the glory of God...I don't want to settle for an imitation of what glory really is. Give me a job, give me influence, but help me stay humble.

I am scared to death of graduating, finding a job, being alone so then pouring my entire being into this job and other things that will keep me busy. And then some 15 years later finding myself stuck at that place, but higher up in some kind of ranking. That would be so lonely.

I am scared of being left behind. I am scared of having my closest friendships taken away from me. I am scared of the options. I am scared of my decisions.

I am strong, but I am so weak. I'm diplomatic, but sometimes I just want to be honest. I don't want to be misunderstood, but I don't always want you to know exactly what I am thinking. Sometimes you can read me like a book, but sometimes you misinterpret.

Sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out there. You may read this and know exactly what I am talking about. You may read this not have a clue. You may even think I am just overdramatic and crazy. I guess that is what I mean by vulnerable honesty.

Interviews, Jobs, Etc.

I just finished updating my resume. Yep. I am going to an interview tomorrow. At the art museum. How exciting is that? If the interview goes well, and the lady decides that she is going to need additional workers this summer, then I could find myself working as an art teacher's assistant for the museum's community outreach summer program. How awesome would that be?!?! I could go 2-3 times a week and help kids at a community center with their art projects! Pleasant memories of 1st grade art class are flooding my mind as we speak... This could quite possibly be the best summer job I could ever find in the city of Montgomery! I guess we shall see what comes of this interview... (please mention it to God for me in your prayers)

As most of you know, last week I went home for spring break. Cleveland, Tennesse-- the most happening place to be-- yeah, I'm am not telling the truth on that one... However, there is one thing that happened quite often. I got asked some questions by everyone I ran into. Here are some favorites:

How is school? Where are you again?

Do you have a boyfriend? (Why do people ask that question? Honestly... if the answer changes, I'll bring it up... you think they would get tired of asking...)

What are you studying?

(And here's the big one.....) What are you going to do with that?

(sigh) A job. That word does not scare me in the context of finding something to do for the summer. It isn't a complicated word, and it isn't even hard to spell.... but something about that word in the context of my life.... it pretty much scares me silly. What do I want to do? What is going to be available? Where am I going to be? What if I can't find one? What if I hate what I find? What is out there for me? What is God going to do with me, and how is that going to fit into my vocation?

It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of chaotic questions, but I am going to choose to take a step out of that whirlwind.

I have had the opportunity to do many things. I have worked in the office of a construction company. I've been a librarian, photographer, and babysitter. I have served as a youth intern (my favorite job so far), and I have been working in the admissions office at Faulkner for 3 years. God has given me many opportunities. He has led me to and through many different things. Why do I let myself think that graduating means I am on my own. I'm not. I've still got a God who wants to use me, and as long as I am willing-- He will. So that's it. No more worries. I will think. I will watch. I will seek. I will plan. But when it comes down to it... I will follow, and I know He is going to lead.

(besides, I still have a year... a lot can happen in a year... this should be interesting....)

Things that made me smile today...

~The extra hour of sleep this morning (sure, it was because I overslept, but it was still nice)

~Getting my Malawi letters put in the mail (another important thing to check off the list, always worthy of a smile... especially because it has to do with this exciting opportunity)

~Smoothies with Laurel and Carie... while on the tailgate of Laurel's new car... it was a lovely hour... there is nothing like quality time with good friends

~Advanced Comp class... I got my 10 page paper back. I got an "Outstanding A." After the dream I had that I made a 49 on it... there was a big smile on my face

~The nice chat I had with Heather Waller at work today. She is an amazing girl! I love when God leads me to an opportunity to share good conversations with people!

~Talking to my cousin online, even though it was just for a few minutes. (She lives in California.) I'm glad she knows she can talk to me and that I am here for her.

~The wonderful friends that were there to calm me down after a very stressful and frustrating SGA meeting... Have I mentioned that I have some of the most wonderful friends?!?!

~The funny phone conversation I had.. I won't say anything else, fortunately it all worked out... just know... when I get mad (it is very rare that I vocalize that anger) I can be a litte frightening...or maybe it is funny....ask Brittany and Carie... oh and Tex.

~The last thing that is making me smile today... It is 11:39, and I still haven't started some of my homework... way to go Jenna.... It really is the end of the year... senoritis is already kicking in...

So now I will smile, get off of this computer, and do my homework. Good night! :)

Why Becoming a Better Writer Stinks

Why Becoming a Better Writer Stinks
(written with a bit of sarcasm)
by Jenna Lupo

I remember writing a paper about Jack Nickolas, the golfer. This was in fifth grade. I remember doing my research in the elementary school library. The World Book. It contained everything I needed. Read it, then write it. That's how it worked. I had never even heard the work "rhetoric." Oh--for those days.

I recall the semester my sophmore year in high school that I had English II Honors. Mrs. Schlager. She found my narative essay to be quite funny. She liked it a lot. "Ice in the Floor, Suds in the Kitchen, and Other Mishaps." I got an A. I was quite fond of that paper. I think I used it again another year for something else. It was simple. It was funny. It was practically effortless. Who needed research? It all came from within. Oh--for those days.

I remember my junior year. English III Honors with Mrs. Lemons. The year of the research paper. My favorite American author. Caroline B. Cooney. I had read dozens of her books. This would be a breeze; I wouldn't even have to read any extra books. Look up some info online when we had time in the computer lab. Procrastination. I wrote that 12 page paper the day before. I rememeber seriously regreting my procrastination that Sunday evening. Yet, I pulled it off. Another successful assignment. Oh--for those days.

It used to be so simple.

Then I got to college.

At first, I was able to play by the high school rules. I was even in Great Books, but I was good. Procrastination pushed me-- I could still pull it off. Oh--those were the days.

And then came Advanced Composition class. I now stare the word rhetoric in the face everyday when my eyes meet the cover of my textbook. I now have to listen to examples upon examples of good or bad logic, persuassive or pointless arguements, etc, etc, etc. I now need to spend hours in the library researching, which leads to days in front of my computer. I can't settle. I must meet the standards that I have been taught.

Now I find myself with 11 papers to write before the end of the semester. Do I need to repeat that? No, it wasn't a misprint. ELEVEN papers. Some 3-5 pages long, others 4-8, a couple 10 pagers, and a 20 page research paper. I have 5 weeks. Not enough days....

This is why becoming a better writer stinks.