Vulnerable Honesty

Sometimes I feel like a bundle of conflicts. What do I push myself toward? What direction am I moving in now? Why does that seem to oppose everything I want for my life later?

I am driven to succeed. I want to make the best grades possible. I want to accomplish a lot. I like to move forward; I enjoy reaching new places. Not because it places me above others. That is not it at all. Because it means I have stretched further, I have reached higher, I have aimed for my best and found it. I want to fulfill my nature. I want to live up to my potential. I have specific gifts. I want to use them. I want to be a positive influence on the world around me. As cheesy as it sounds, I sincerely want to make a difference.

Do I find that in my grades? Do I find that in various honors? Will I one day find it in a job? Do I find it in leadership roles? I don't think these things in themselves matter that much. Grades are worth nothing if I don't use the knowledge that I gained by pushing myself. Honors will not follow me into eternity. Those things in themselves will end; they are temporal.

My job can be a place where I make a difference, but I don't want a big, powerful job. If I start to try to move up some sort of ladder, pull me down. I don't want that. I live a busy life. I enjoy being a part of all the things I do at school, and that takes time. However, when I have a family of my own someday, (and I want that so badly) I DO NOT want to be that busy. I do not want to be a successful buisnesswoman who is so wrapped up in her job that she doesn't even have time to cook her family supper or go to her kids T-ball practices. I don't need riches; I really don't want them. I don't need glory; any glory I could find here can't compare with the glory of God...I don't want to settle for an imitation of what glory really is. Give me a job, give me influence, but help me stay humble.

I am scared to death of graduating, finding a job, being alone so then pouring my entire being into this job and other things that will keep me busy. And then some 15 years later finding myself stuck at that place, but higher up in some kind of ranking. That would be so lonely.

I am scared of being left behind. I am scared of having my closest friendships taken away from me. I am scared of the options. I am scared of my decisions.

I am strong, but I am so weak. I'm diplomatic, but sometimes I just want to be honest. I don't want to be misunderstood, but I don't always want you to know exactly what I am thinking. Sometimes you can read me like a book, but sometimes you misinterpret.

Sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out there. You may read this and know exactly what I am talking about. You may read this not have a clue. You may even think I am just overdramatic and crazy. I guess that is what I mean by vulnerable honesty.