Friday, June 16, 2006

It's overwhelming...

"I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lean back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming."

Yeah. It's overwhelming. Unfortunately this overwhelming feeling that I get is not usually one that gives me so much peace I just melt. I'm not leaning back against anything with the time to breathe. I've felt this peace. I've been overwhelmed in this beautiful way, but not really right now.

It's been a crazy week. I have been sent on errands for the Admissions office to Atlanta and Birmingham... yeah, not quite across town. Instead of my usual 12 hour week, I've spent over 24 hours doing stuff for them. This is just a crazy week in that office. That is the load I had to bear.

My computer is in coma. Wednesday she decided she wanted to give up the ghost. I'm still fighting for her. The harddrive might have failed, but I am sending her to a place where she will recieve the best treatments. There might be some memory loss; I'm just glad she's still under warrenty. ;) This interesting dilemma consumed much time and energy. I still have to box up and mail out that tower. Blasted computer.

My sister left for Nicaragua this morning. I didn't get to talk to her before she left. I was so distracted by the crazy College Bound demands, that I neglected to call her. I am a horrible sister.

I leave for Africa in a week. One week. Exactly. One week from this very moment I will be on an airplane. I haven't packed. I haven't been to WalMart. I got my last shot today, and I got blood drawn so I can know my blood type. I figure that's kinda important. I may need to know that. Yeah, I know I'm an idiot for not knowing my blood type.

I really wanted to go home for Father's Day. But I can't. I am really homesick. And I'm not just talking home--Cleveland, TN-- homesick. I'm talking indescribable no where feels like home, where am I going and who am I and what should I be doing and when will this wandering homesick feeling be gone... that kinda homesick. I guess you can't understand that one unless you've felt that way before. Surely I'm not alone on this one.

When will the curve balls end? When will all that's gone wrong in the world be made right? When will life be normal? When will everything be happy? When will some of the pain around me heal? When will I be able to help? When will I have a clue what I am even here for. When will things calm down? When....

Today I spent about an hour and a half leaned up against a wall in a room. I journaled my prayer, and I didn't make the handwriting pretty. Life is not perfectly formed rounded cursive letters right now. It's doesn't fit in the college ruled lines. It is rough and jagged and illegible and it takes up 2-4 lines.

Funny how much better you feel when you actually stop and take time to sit as His feet, drink from the cup in His hand, lean back against Him and breathe, feel His heart beat. That love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melted in His peace, and it was overwhelming.

I don't have to have answers. And I don't have to feel all together. I am broken. But I know who is holding the pieces. Cheesy.. I know.. but there you have it.


Ariel said...

Thank you for sharing this... I needed to be reminded. It's so calming to be held. Sometimes a little bit of calm goes a long way.