Tuesday, August 11, 2009

letting the walls crumble...

I never thought I was the kind of person that put up walls...

I've been told that I am an open book, incredibly easy to read. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As much as I hated hearing it (I hoped that I was more of a mystery than that), I knew it was true. Just talk to some of my closest friends from school. They can tell you how I am feeling in any given situation based where I am looking with my eyes or what tone (or accent) I am using when speaking. I am quite transparent. And it's not just that, I have always been very quick with my affections. I would leap into friendships and with my crushes, I would certainly fall hard. I have always had a desire to be known... to be understood... and that desire runs deep. 

I still have that desire, but over time, I have grown cautious. 
I have turned to my defenses. 
I have built walls.

Maybe I grew tired of being vulnerable. 
Maybe I stopped trusting people... trusting them completely, that is. 
Maybe I just got tired of being misunderstood.
The more my expectations weren't met... 
the more I found myself "on my own"... 
the thicker the walls got.

I don't like the walls. 

And I don't believe we belong trapped in them.

I believe the Evil one lurks in the shadow of those walls.
The Deceiver takes refuge there.
And from the shadow of my walls, he attacks me.

He sees when I don't feel appreciated, and he whispers thoughts of doubt.
He sees when I have felt disrespected, and he taunts me with feelings of inadequacy. 
He sees my busy schedule, and he floods my mind with all the things left unfinished, people left untouched. He makes me think I have to do it all.
He sees when I long for meaningful friendships & deep spiritual community, and he fools me into thinking that the walls are too thick. That we are just too different. That I will never experience those relationships like before.
He sees when I am exhausted from a long trip, and he finds ways to turn that exhaustion into a deeper weariness.
He even sees when I am excited after a powerful night of worship, and he is quick to rob me of the joy by pointing out what I think is missing.

I could list so many more examples. I am not even talking about one particular area of life...
The walls cast shadows everywhere.

And I don't think I am alone in this.

So tonight, I am going to be bold.
I am going to let go of the walls.
I don't want them anymore.
Tonight, they crumble.

And as they give way, 
I find that I can breathe a little easier.

With these walls gone, 
I can walk without such burden.
I can love without boundaries.
And I can have a spirit of joy that won't be broken by circumstances and disappointments.

The evil one will not rob me of these things any longer.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Praise the God that brings victory to those that give their lives over to Him. Praise the King that always overcomes the evil one, no matter how sneaky the deceiver will try to be. Praise the Son that gave His life in exchange for mine, and the Spirit that supplies the peace I feel tonight.


annie said...

Beautiful post, Jenna. Believe it or not, I have been there. And I too, am learning that Satan uses this things against us, that he uses small moments to turn my life upside down with doubt and frustration. Thanks for this reminder. The reminder that we can overcome.

Welcome back! I've missed you!

Carie said...

I love you.

Jessica said...

oh jenna, that was so beautifully written. i love everything you had to say. i've missed your posts. i appreciate your vulnerability. i struggle with putting up walls BIG TIME.

jenna said...

Thank you girls so much for your encouragement. I love you guys!

Terry said...

Beautitful words. Good thing God doesn't do that with us. When we love and get hurt we put up the walls. The Lord loves us, and I know that I have hurt him but yet he hasn't put up the walls.