Friday, April 03, 2009

I've needed a break...

...and thankfully, I got one.

In case you couldn't tell by the tone of my most recent posts (and the lack of posting), I've had a rough couple of weeks. I guess I had just reached a breaking point. I had been putting way too much pressure on myself, and after a few disappointments and with several events that I find to be a little intimidating approaching, I just found myself utterly exhausted. 

And Satan didn't miss a beat. He came right in, whispering his words of deceit, leaving me tired, frustrated, filled with endless doubts & insecurities, and just generally downcast. I felt disconnected, and God was just not coming to my rescue how I wanted Him to.

Honestly, I felt a little abandoned. 

Why would God lead me to this place and then just leave me? I'd been trying so hard to pursue Him-- why wasn't He showing up?! What was I doing wrong?!? How was I supposed to show a bunch of teenagers who He is when I can hardly even feel Him myself? The questions and doubts and disconnection had me pretty worn out. I didn't want to go to work. I dreaded the planning. I dreaded the pressure. I expected the worst. And I was simply a little scared-- what did all of this mean?

Well, our God is a good One. He doesn't usually just show up in the ways we expect Him to, or even want Him to, but He is there. And He is good. And He has not abandoned me.

In these past two weeks, He has provided me with several people to speak His truths to me. I am so thankful for the many people He put in my path to encourage me and pick me up and point me back in His direction of truth... my roommate, some of my co-ministers, my friends in the young pro group, my family, and the incredible women I was able to slip away and go on a retreat of renewal with...  I am thankful the words He spoke through them. He said:

"You have not been abandoned." 
"You are not alone-- I've been there too."
"You put too much pressure on yourself."
"You do belong here."
"You have been sent."
"I am at work in you."
"I am good, even when you don't feel good."
"I am there, even when you don't feel Me."
"Be still- cease strivings- know I am God."
"I am glorified when you just keep doing what you're supposed to do."
"Simply be faithful."

So yes, I may still be a little tired. And yes, maybe I'm still a little intimidated. And I'm still feeling kinda disconnected. But you know what? That's okay. Because He doesn't tell me that I will always feel good, and times of desolation are sure to come. But I can rest in His truth. I can rest in His peace. And I can be faithful. And sometimes, in times like these, that's all He wants me to do.


Anonymous said...

keep the faith, darlin. you do great things =)

Lana said...

...i'm there. i needed to read that..

Anonymous said...

awesome blog....I'm spiritual, I believe in God but I'm by no means "numerically religious".

The read was pretty encouraging.

Annie said...

Friend, I feel you. Satan has been attacking me too, though in different ways. Your struggles did bring this verse to mind, though: Exodus 14:14: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

Long comment, but I just want to say: Sometimes, God doesn't want us to fight. He wants to do it for us.

Be still! I love you!