It's overwhelming...

"I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lean back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming."

Yeah. It's overwhelming. Unfortunately this overwhelming feeling that I get is not usually one that gives me so much peace I just melt. I'm not leaning back against anything with the time to breathe. I've felt this peace. I've been overwhelmed in this beautiful way, but not really right now.

It's been a crazy week. I have been sent on errands for the Admissions office to Atlanta and Birmingham... yeah, not quite across town. Instead of my usual 12 hour week, I've spent over 24 hours doing stuff for them. This is just a crazy week in that office. That is the load I had to bear.

My computer is in coma. Wednesday she decided she wanted to give up the ghost. I'm still fighting for her. The harddrive might have failed, but I am sending her to a place where she will recieve the best treatments. There might be some memory loss; I'm just glad she's still under warrenty. ;) This interesting dilemma consumed much time and energy. I still have to box up and mail out that tower. Blasted computer.

My sister left for Nicaragua this morning. I didn't get to talk to her before she left. I was so distracted by the crazy College Bound demands, that I neglected to call her. I am a horrible sister.

I leave for Africa in a week. One week. Exactly. One week from this very moment I will be on an airplane. I haven't packed. I haven't been to WalMart. I got my last shot today, and I got blood drawn so I can know my blood type. I figure that's kinda important. I may need to know that. Yeah, I know I'm an idiot for not knowing my blood type.

I really wanted to go home for Father's Day. But I can't. I am really homesick. And I'm not just talking home--Cleveland, TN-- homesick. I'm talking indescribable no where feels like home, where am I going and who am I and what should I be doing and when will this wandering homesick feeling be gone... that kinda homesick. I guess you can't understand that one unless you've felt that way before. Surely I'm not alone on this one.

When will the curve balls end? When will all that's gone wrong in the world be made right? When will life be normal? When will everything be happy? When will some of the pain around me heal? When will I be able to help? When will I have a clue what I am even here for. When will things calm down? When....

Today I spent about an hour and a half leaned up against a wall in a room. I journaled my prayer, and I didn't make the handwriting pretty. Life is not perfectly formed rounded cursive letters right now. It's doesn't fit in the college ruled lines. It is rough and jagged and illegible and it takes up 2-4 lines.

Funny how much better you feel when you actually stop and take time to sit as His feet, drink from the cup in His hand, lean back against Him and breathe, feel His heart beat. That love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melted in His peace, and it was overwhelming.

I don't have to have answers. And I don't have to feel all together. I am broken. But I know who is holding the pieces. Cheesy.. I know.. but there you have it.

Back in town

This past week was wonderful. Sure it was rainy. Sure we got lost a lot. But you know what, we had SO MUCH FUN!

Where was I and who is we? I was in Concord, MA with a small group from Faulkner's English department: Mr. & Mrs. Pace, Amelia Cortlez, Robin Johnson, and Heather Waller. Boy, did we have a blast!

We did so much, and even though I am bored and should be writing about it all right now, I am not going to because I have some extreme packing to do. I have to be out of this apartment by early Monday morning (therefore Sunday night) and into the other one. This is going to prove to be difficult seeing as there is a lot to move, and I am just one girl.

If there is anyone in Montgomery who would be willing to help me out after church/lunchtime tomorrow, that would be amazing! Please let me know if you can.

If I can get moved in time, I will try to write details about the trip tomorrow night. I might even learn how to post pictures! We'll see. But I have to have help first.... :) Thanks!

The day has come...

Well. Here I am. In my apartment. Sitting at my computer. Alone. Laurel, Carie, and Kyle have all packed up and are gone. I must admitt, I shed a few tears. Man, if you are reading this opening paragraph in the tone that I am writing it in, than it must be a pretty depressing read.

Time to shift the tone. This summer is not going to be bad. It has potential to be good. I have big plans to stay involved with the LCM, and it looks like we are going to combine on Wednesday nights with the youth group, and that is going to be cool! It will be neat to get to know the teens.. maybe I can get more involved there. I will probably get to hang out with a wide variety of people on campus, and it's always fun to randomly hang out with people! Maybe I will find someone to play tennis with! (NOTE: If you play tennis-- I want to play with you! I need exercise! Plus it's just fun! :)

I am going to Malawi for two weeks and that is going to be great, I am going on this trip to New England this upcoming week. I am going to visit my friends on the Coast. And I am going to visit my fam. I still need a job, but that will come (NOTE: If you know of someone who is looking for an all-around great girl to work for them, let me know! ;)

The other day, Laurel and Carie read me a definition. They told me that immediately upon reading the defintion of this work they thought of me. What is the word I am refering to?

OVERACHIEVEMENT: a condition in which perfectionism, fear of failure, compulsive behavior, and anxiety drive a student to exhaustion and eventual inefficiency

Yay for me. I am killing myself and growing only towards inefficiency. That is not good. So I made a decision...I am going to work on that. I will be an achiever, not an OVERachiever! :) That means I can't do everthing, but what I decide to do, I will achieve. Without unneccessary pressure, without it having to be perfect to every detail... So there you go. You all heard it from me.(hold me to it!)

Yeah... so I got tagged...

25 Things I Love

1. Music. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." -Victor Hugo
2. Good conversation.
3. Depth-- not neccessarily intellectual depth, but personal depth. People that are willing to let you see past the surface... people that will see past the surface of me.
4. Smoothies
5. Summer 2005 w/ the Mayfair Youth Ministry
6. Pictures- photo albums, picture frames, scrapbooks, slideshows...
7. Getting my back scratched
8. Tennis-- on the rare occasion I have someone to play with
9. The Chronicles of Narnia
10. Best friends
11. My amazing down feather comforter
12. Window seats
13. My family-- I miss them today.
14. Pretty stationary and Pilot G2 ink pens
15. Painting in the living room with the windows open on a rainy, spring day.
16. Growing
17. The movie- Pride and Prejudice
18. Making a difference
19. Analogies
20. When my apartment is nice and neat.
21. Having time to relax and enjoy what I have been blessed with.
22.Camp... the park... playgrounds.... basically the outdoors
23.When the people I care most about understand how much I love them
24.Playing with babies
25. When I am able to clearly express my thoughts


25 Things I Hate

1. When I can't transfer my thoughts from my brain to my mouth efficently.
2. When I feel like the people I love most don't understand the extent of that love.
3. Being an overachiever
4. My tendency to overcommit myself
5. When people think I am not sincere
6. When I catch myself not being sincere.
7. When I can't help someone that is hurting.
8. Clutter
9. Regular coffee
10. The fact that, no matter how long I work at it, I just can't seem to get this patience thing down
11. When I get jealous
12. When I don't do my best (Like that paper... the worst grade I have ever made on a paper..... sigh.....)
13. A lot of things about this past semester
14. Being misunderstood
15. Sweet tea-- sorry, I just don't really like tea
16. Not interning this summer
17. Wasting time filling out this blog thingy when I could be sleeping
18. That I never finished learning the guitar
19. Faulkner University's pledge week
20. Ping pong (the analogy... I love the real game... I hate the analogy game.. I guess only those that know the analogy will understand this one)
21. Being put in a box-- I don't like to feel limited or underestimated
22. How we put God in a box.... and we do it so often
23. Overwhelming "To Do" Lists
24. Being in a bad mood
25. Getting knots in my shoulders... like the past couple days...

If you read this blog you are tagged-- I think there are only two people that actually read this blog on occasion....

Blog vs. 20 page paper

It is 8:20. I have been sitting in the newly-made-to-be-extra cubicle in the admissions office all day. From 11:00-1:15, lunch break, 2:00-3:00, class break, 3:45-now.... yeah.. all day.

I am no where near finished, but I have made so much progress compared to where I was this time last night. And as I write this I think-- you still don't have a paper written-- you still have way too much work to do. That mindset doesn't help anything. I have accomplished much, and with that confident attitude of productivity I will continue until security comes in this office to kick me out. I am just that dedicated. I am forcing myself to be motivated. (I mean, the book I am researching has been pretty convicting.) I am going to do this. I will survive this week. I am making it through today. I am on my 4th diet coke. (This can't be healthy.)

And as I sit here talking about my productivity, I am wasting my time writing this stupid blog. Rambling like an idiot. Oh, but it is so much more enjoyable than actually doing the work-- talking about doing the work (again, a concept Screwtape would be encouraging).

I am going to end this nonsense right now.

(Let's see if this works.)

I am motivated.
I am writing an incredible 20 page paper.
I am not distracted.
I am completely focused.
God is happy when I write my paper.
So is Dr. Walker.
I want to please both.
I am learning a lot about vice and virtue as I write this paper.

Is procrastination a vice?

I should get off this blasted website right this minute.

(Have I been driven to an extreme level of complete insanity?!?! And this is only Monday.... oh brother....)

It is now 8:32. I had better get back to work. Pray for me! (And everyone else that I know because apparently Faulkner University has it out for its students-- it's like they want us to learn or something.. What's the deal with that??!?! 8:33... bye

Words from C. S. Lewis

"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence."

Letters of C. S. Lewis- 20th January 1942


"You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption 'My time is my own.' Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours."

Written to Wormwood from Screwtape- The Screwtape Letters- Number 21


"Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters."

Spoken to Jill by Aslan- The Silver Chair- Chapter 2


Just some interesting things I ran across in my research. Maybe these three quotes will grap you in some of the same ways they have me. I won't say anything else; I'll just leave it up to your own mind to extract something from it.

Where is the sun?

Mood I am in: aggrevated, tired, frustrated, angry, and a number of other adjectives that I really shouldn't dwell on...

Mood I want to be in: awake, thoughtful, determined, calm, peaceful, optimistic, intelligent, happy, thankful, awake, modivated... oh... this list could go on and on.

Why am I writing this at 3:45 in the morning? I'm not sure that you really want to know. First of all, when you read this you are going to think, "Jenna, why the heck are you on myspace?" Then you might think, "I'm glad I'm not you!" Now you are thinking, "This outta be interesting!"

Well, here's the deal.

Tomorrow morning, at the bright and shining hour of 8:30, I have a class that I must attend. And in this class I am to turn in a 6-8 page term paper. MLA format, 12pt font, Times New Romans, minimum 3 sources... the whole shebang (althought it is nothing compared to the 20 page paper due next week!!!). As of right now... I am barely on page 3. Let me remind you of the time. 3:45. I have been attempting to write this thing since 8:30 PM!

(sigh)

That is why I just took a break. I showered and got ready for school (I am going to wear my pajamas to class, watch me!) and now I am trying to convience myself that that 20 minute power nap was a good night's sleep and it is a decent hour of the morning and my brain is a paper-writing-machine! (I hope this works!!)

When you see me, give me a hug. I might need one! And a nap. And ice cream and a diet coke. Because all of those things make me happy. And then tell me that Jesus is going to come this weekend and I don't have to do anymore homework. (okay, that is a little---all right---a lot selfish of me)

Well, back to my critique of "This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison."

Good morning! : D

Ukupita kuti? ("Where are you going?" in Chichewa)

It is interesting how, with God, everything is connected.

Over the past year and a half, many of my goals have involved a desire to remove clutter from my life. There was a point last spring when I realized that a decluttering movement was neccessary. There came a point this summer (actually it hit me over and over again) that I decided I was really going to do it. Declutter. Eliminate excess. I put it into practice, and it was not always easy. I stepped away from some things (good, fun things) that were just taking up space. I wasn't just trying to declutter my schedule but also my heart, my mind, and my spirit. I decided to allow myself to be refined by the Lord, so he put me in the fire and burnt away the chaff. That hurts.

One day I thought to myself, it has finally happened...my goal accomplished...I have eliminated the clutter. I was wrong. When you stop the cleaning process, things naturally get dirty again. So here I am, ready to do some more spring cleaning.

I've been thinking a lot about where I am headed. What does my future hold? Where will it be found? Where am I going? Of course I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know some of the steps I will be taking in the near future.

For one, I am headed to Malawi, Africa this summer. I am going where "hurry up" is not heard too often, and "busy" does not describe the people's lives. Clutter is not a luxury they can afford, and personally, I think they are richer for it. A selfish prayer of mine is that this trip, these 2 weeks, will make a permanent impression on my heart; I want to absorb as much of attitude as I can. Because I don't know where I am going, but I do know what I want to be of most importance in my life, and I promise you it is not how many things I can cram onto my resume. It is not my level of productivity or progress, and it is not a job title. It may be my nature to be driven towards all of these things, but I no longer live for my nature. I said I was going to give that up years ago.

Colossians 2:20-22 says, "If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations...according to human precepts and teachings?" Our culture pushes for productivity; it drives us toward success here on earth. Well, I have died to that. I have been released from its chains of bondage. It is about time I live like I am free from those chains. I do not want to be restricted by my culture any longer.

So here we go again-- how in the world am going to do this? I suppose it won't be me doing it, as usual.

Vulnerable Honesty

Sometimes I feel like a bundle of conflicts. What do I push myself toward? What direction am I moving in now? Why does that seem to oppose everything I want for my life later?

I am driven to succeed. I want to make the best grades possible. I want to accomplish a lot. I like to move forward; I enjoy reaching new places. Not because it places me above others. That is not it at all. Because it means I have stretched further, I have reached higher, I have aimed for my best and found it. I want to fulfill my nature. I want to live up to my potential. I have specific gifts. I want to use them. I want to be a positive influence on the world around me. As cheesy as it sounds, I sincerely want to make a difference.

Do I find that in my grades? Do I find that in various honors? Will I one day find it in a job? Do I find it in leadership roles? I don't think these things in themselves matter that much. Grades are worth nothing if I don't use the knowledge that I gained by pushing myself. Honors will not follow me into eternity. Those things in themselves will end; they are temporal.

My job can be a place where I make a difference, but I don't want a big, powerful job. If I start to try to move up some sort of ladder, pull me down. I don't want that. I live a busy life. I enjoy being a part of all the things I do at school, and that takes time. However, when I have a family of my own someday, (and I want that so badly) I DO NOT want to be that busy. I do not want to be a successful buisnesswoman who is so wrapped up in her job that she doesn't even have time to cook her family supper or go to her kids T-ball practices. I don't need riches; I really don't want them. I don't need glory; any glory I could find here can't compare with the glory of God...I don't want to settle for an imitation of what glory really is. Give me a job, give me influence, but help me stay humble.

I am scared to death of graduating, finding a job, being alone so then pouring my entire being into this job and other things that will keep me busy. And then some 15 years later finding myself stuck at that place, but higher up in some kind of ranking. That would be so lonely.

I am scared of being left behind. I am scared of having my closest friendships taken away from me. I am scared of the options. I am scared of my decisions.

I am strong, but I am so weak. I'm diplomatic, but sometimes I just want to be honest. I don't want to be misunderstood, but I don't always want you to know exactly what I am thinking. Sometimes you can read me like a book, but sometimes you misinterpret.

Sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out there. You may read this and know exactly what I am talking about. You may read this not have a clue. You may even think I am just overdramatic and crazy. I guess that is what I mean by vulnerable honesty.

Interviews, Jobs, Etc.

I just finished updating my resume. Yep. I am going to an interview tomorrow. At the art museum. How exciting is that? If the interview goes well, and the lady decides that she is going to need additional workers this summer, then I could find myself working as an art teacher's assistant for the museum's community outreach summer program. How awesome would that be?!?! I could go 2-3 times a week and help kids at a community center with their art projects! Pleasant memories of 1st grade art class are flooding my mind as we speak... This could quite possibly be the best summer job I could ever find in the city of Montgomery! I guess we shall see what comes of this interview... (please mention it to God for me in your prayers)

As most of you know, last week I went home for spring break. Cleveland, Tennesse-- the most happening place to be-- yeah, I'm am not telling the truth on that one... However, there is one thing that happened quite often. I got asked some questions by everyone I ran into. Here are some favorites:

How is school? Where are you again?

Do you have a boyfriend? (Why do people ask that question? Honestly... if the answer changes, I'll bring it up... you think they would get tired of asking...)

What are you studying?

(And here's the big one.....) What are you going to do with that?

(sigh) A job. That word does not scare me in the context of finding something to do for the summer. It isn't a complicated word, and it isn't even hard to spell.... but something about that word in the context of my life.... it pretty much scares me silly. What do I want to do? What is going to be available? Where am I going to be? What if I can't find one? What if I hate what I find? What is out there for me? What is God going to do with me, and how is that going to fit into my vocation?

It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of chaotic questions, but I am going to choose to take a step out of that whirlwind.

I have had the opportunity to do many things. I have worked in the office of a construction company. I've been a librarian, photographer, and babysitter. I have served as a youth intern (my favorite job so far), and I have been working in the admissions office at Faulkner for 3 years. God has given me many opportunities. He has led me to and through many different things. Why do I let myself think that graduating means I am on my own. I'm not. I've still got a God who wants to use me, and as long as I am willing-- He will. So that's it. No more worries. I will think. I will watch. I will seek. I will plan. But when it comes down to it... I will follow, and I know He is going to lead.

(besides, I still have a year... a lot can happen in a year... this should be interesting....)

Things that made me smile today...

~The extra hour of sleep this morning (sure, it was because I overslept, but it was still nice)

~Getting my Malawi letters put in the mail (another important thing to check off the list, always worthy of a smile... especially because it has to do with this exciting opportunity)

~Smoothies with Laurel and Carie... while on the tailgate of Laurel's new car... it was a lovely hour... there is nothing like quality time with good friends

~Advanced Comp class... I got my 10 page paper back. I got an "Outstanding A." After the dream I had that I made a 49 on it... there was a big smile on my face

~The nice chat I had with Heather Waller at work today. She is an amazing girl! I love when God leads me to an opportunity to share good conversations with people!

~Talking to my cousin online, even though it was just for a few minutes. (She lives in California.) I'm glad she knows she can talk to me and that I am here for her.

~The wonderful friends that were there to calm me down after a very stressful and frustrating SGA meeting... Have I mentioned that I have some of the most wonderful friends?!?!

~The funny phone conversation I had.. I won't say anything else, fortunately it all worked out... just know... when I get mad (it is very rare that I vocalize that anger) I can be a litte frightening...or maybe it is funny....ask Brittany and Carie... oh and Tex.

~The last thing that is making me smile today... It is 11:39, and I still haven't started some of my homework... way to go Jenna.... It really is the end of the year... senoritis is already kicking in...

So now I will smile, get off of this computer, and do my homework. Good night! :)

Why Becoming a Better Writer Stinks

Why Becoming a Better Writer Stinks
(written with a bit of sarcasm)
by Jenna Lupo

I remember writing a paper about Jack Nickolas, the golfer. This was in fifth grade. I remember doing my research in the elementary school library. The World Book. It contained everything I needed. Read it, then write it. That's how it worked. I had never even heard the work "rhetoric." Oh--for those days.

I recall the semester my sophmore year in high school that I had English II Honors. Mrs. Schlager. She found my narative essay to be quite funny. She liked it a lot. "Ice in the Floor, Suds in the Kitchen, and Other Mishaps." I got an A. I was quite fond of that paper. I think I used it again another year for something else. It was simple. It was funny. It was practically effortless. Who needed research? It all came from within. Oh--for those days.

I remember my junior year. English III Honors with Mrs. Lemons. The year of the research paper. My favorite American author. Caroline B. Cooney. I had read dozens of her books. This would be a breeze; I wouldn't even have to read any extra books. Look up some info online when we had time in the computer lab. Procrastination. I wrote that 12 page paper the day before. I rememeber seriously regreting my procrastination that Sunday evening. Yet, I pulled it off. Another successful assignment. Oh--for those days.

It used to be so simple.

Then I got to college.

At first, I was able to play by the high school rules. I was even in Great Books, but I was good. Procrastination pushed me-- I could still pull it off. Oh--those were the days.

And then came Advanced Composition class. I now stare the word rhetoric in the face everyday when my eyes meet the cover of my textbook. I now have to listen to examples upon examples of good or bad logic, persuassive or pointless arguements, etc, etc, etc. I now need to spend hours in the library researching, which leads to days in front of my computer. I can't settle. I must meet the standards that I have been taught.

Now I find myself with 11 papers to write before the end of the semester. Do I need to repeat that? No, it wasn't a misprint. ELEVEN papers. Some 3-5 pages long, others 4-8, a couple 10 pagers, and a 20 page research paper. I have 5 weeks. Not enough days....

This is why becoming a better writer stinks.

So I took a personality test...

(Not really a test...one of those dinky quizzes online..) This is what is said...

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx - Try it yourself if you want... I never know what to think about these things....

The Calm of the Storm

Last night was pretty crazy. The wind was blowing; the power kept going out. The weather wasn't the only thing that went crazy. I felt like there was a storm brewing in my mind.
Maybe due to the stress of the day. Maybe it's because I couldn't help but think about all of the things I really need to do this weekend- there's a lot so it is an overwhelming thought. Maybe it's because I have obsessive complusive tendencies when it comes to my living space (currently the apartement).

(Let me briefly explain what stresses me out about the apartment. I kinda consider my home to be my sanctuary- a place for me to escape the madness of everyday life. I can remember being in high school and just locking myself in my room for hours. I'd do my homework (first thing I listed, but definitely not the first thing I'd think to do), I'd... I'd come up with all sorts of things to do, even if it was simply listening to music or looking at pictures. If my room got too disorderly, I would clean it. Not for the simple reason that I wanted it clean- I cleaned it because the disorder would get to the point that it was disrupting my sanctuary.

The apartment is my home. I share this home with 2 other people. Our rooms are our own. We keep them how we like them. The living room/kitchen we share. We do our best to keep things orderly. We take turns doing the dishes (even if none of the dishes in the sink are our own), we take turns taking out the trash, and we try to straighten up after ourselfs. Doesn't seem that that should be too difficult of a task. Yeah, if only 3 people lived here... it gets harder when about 7 other people consider our apartment their 2nd home. With the increase of people comes an increase of disorder. Note: I love all of you guys SOOO much, and I'm glad we can all hang out in the apartment. Please keep that in mind!!! I just get a little overwhelmed when I enter my apartment and there is more chaos inside than in the world I escaped.)

Okay. Enough of that. I'm sure you were all get the feel for why my mind was as crazy as the weather outside. Which leads me to the real reason I am writing this blog.

I needed to escape. I needed a resting place. Nowhere was calm. Even my room was messy- not calm enough to relieve me. So I went to the one calm place I could think of... the extra bedroom. I brought my big, puffy, white, goose-feather comforter and curled up on the "window seat." I opened the window a bit and listened to the rain. I watched the clouds that were quickly moving across the sky. I just stayed there. And I found rest. I felt as if I had escaped the chaos of my day by running away to this quiet place, but I didn't feel alone. There was another in my presence- or should I say, I was in His presence. I was comforted by His presence. I was calmed by His presence. The storm outside became a lullaby. The to-list didn't seem nearly as important as just sitting there. He calmed the storm that had disturbed my peace of mind, and I fell asleep in the arms of my Comforter.

So I may be crazy. My life may get crazy. And my apartment may become the definition of crazy sometimes... but I know who brings peace. He is my sanctuary.

A decision has been made...

Ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls...

A decision has been made. After a couple stressful conversations, a few headaches, several helpful listening ears, and quite a many prayers there is peace. Well, at least a basic answer.
I am not going to London to study abroad this summer. (and I'm not near as heartbroken as one might think...I'm actually relieved!)

Instead I am going to take my classes during Faulkner's 1st summer class session, then I am going on a mission trip to Malawi, Africa for 2 weeks, and then I will return to Montgomery to continue working and writing my thesis. (This is the basic skeleton of the plan... details will follow in time.)

I am really excited about this new plan and how God is going to work through it. There has got to be a reason why He thought it would be a good idea to shake everything up here at crunch-time, and I am looking forward to watching the Lord work! So there we have it... everyone can sleep a little bit better now.

I'd like to take a moment to thank the people that helped me out through this insanity: The girls of the APT (those that live here, and those that practically live here ;), Kyle (we could probably group him in that 1st category as well...), my mom and dad (nothing like advice from the rents...good stuff!), Jason Bybee (the best mentor ever) and Corey Trevathan (I miss these two youth ministers!), Wes Gunn & Nathan Capps (Wes for letting me join the Malawi team this late in the game, and Nathan for advising me to get a loan ;), Sarah Beth (I never got around to actually filling you in on everything, but I know you were praying), and finally my adopted parents at Landmark- David and Susan Clark (they listened/talked to me and Brittany for about two hours and helped to guide us to our decisions.. plus the banana pudding was amazing!). I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life, and there were so many more I could have called. I love being a part of the family of God! There is no greater security, that's for sure!!

Now all I have to do is break the news to Dr. Hicks... (I'm kinda afraid... please be praying about that!)

This is harder than I thought...

This day has been a rollercoaster- that or the spinning teacups- and now I am left feeling incredibly dizzy. Do you ever have a plan, then find yourself revising that plan, then realizing that the new plan is not quite as perfect as you thought? You are left without all the details, confused, frustrated, stressed, and completely drained. It's like you run around trying to get things in order, only to find that you have been running in circles, and you haven't accomplished anything. There. That is how I feel right now. And the sad part is- most of you have no idea what in the world is going on.

In the long run, what I do this summer is not that big of a deal... but in a way it is. And I have no idea what will be decided, and no idea what I want to happen. Please be praying about this for me. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about it all. If it just involved me, I could make a decision, but there is more that plays into it... so please pray that the best choice will be obvious. This really is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Something on my mind...

So I've had this plan for the summer. I mean, these plans were carefully sketched out and molded to where they are exactly what I want and need, right? So I thought. However, today (and many other connected things that have led my thoughts to where I find myself today) has presented another option... more options even.

What was this plan? To go to London to study abroad (taking 2 classes there) and then taking a class at school while working on my thesis. This extends onto my Sr. year plans... etc...etc... It fit perfectly. It sounds great, doesn't it?

Well I am here to tell you that my plans could be changing. And I am really excited about that possibility. Because I don't know anything definite, that is all I am going to write. Please be praying that I will make the best choice for myself and for all the others involved. God is at work. I just have to follow Him.

i wanna sit at Your feet

drink from the cup in Your hand

lean back against You and breathe

feel Your heart beat

this love is so deep

it's more than i can stand

i melt in Your peace

it's overwhelming

i need You more

more than yesterday

i need You more

more than words can say

i need You more

than ever before

i need You more

i need You Lord

more than the air i breathe

more than the song i sing

more than the next heartbeat

more than anything

how long oh Lord

will You forget me forever?

how long must You hide Your face from me?

how long must i wrestle with my thoughts of doubt

and insecurity

there's no one to blame

but i love You the same

i love You the same

Guess we'll never know...

... You can't really read what the cloud says. If you are curious about the cloud, go to Jason Bybee's blog, Already & Not Yet, and see his. It's pretty cool.

What does my cloud say?